Wellness Blog

The end of a relationship usually isn’t easy. Even if you know it wasn’t working and that something needs to change, there is still sadness and grief that comes with the process. You entered into something in the hopes it would make your life better… and maybe it did for a period of time but now it has come to an end.

There is lots of advice out there from dating coaches saying that the best way to move on is to find someone else, even when you are still hung up on the person you just broke up with. Today I’d like to share with you a different perspective.

While I don’t believe that you need to stay single for forever and that you shouldn’t move on, I do believe that if you are feeling sad and heartbroken, simply moving on to another relationship is NOT the best thing for you. There is healing that needs to occur before you are truly ready to open yourself up to another relationship.  

When you quickly move on to someone new, hoping to erase that certain someone from your heart and your mind, you haven’t allowed yourself to process your thoughts and emotions over what just happened. It is through that processing and reflection that both growth and healing occur.

When you are still in the hurt of the breakup, you are not emotionally ready to open yourself up in a healthy way to someone new. You will likely either attract someone similar to the person who just broke your heart or it is even possible you will find someone who will sense that you are in an emotionally fragile state and take advantage of you.

As an example from my own love history, 10 years ago, when I broke up with my last boyfriend, there was a tremendous amount of hurt because he had rejected me for being “too much” emotionally. That was a very hard thing for me to be told by someone who I had trusted my heart with. That was just one area that I needed to heal before I could move on to someone new. In addition, I needed to spend time reflecting on what I had learned about what I did and did not want from that relationship. If I had not done that, it would have been much more likely that I would have attracted another partner to repeat the same patterns with me. The clarity I gained about what qualities are ideal for me in a partner were invaluable.

On the flip side, however, completely closing down to the world and to new possibilities after a breakup is also not healthy. Yes, you may be sad and feel like you will never find someone who will truly be the amazing romantic partner that you long for but if you completely close down and lock into those thoughts, you also are not working through your healing process.

My suggestion for those of you who are going through a breakup are to take some time to just be with your feelings. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, hurt, or whatever else you are currently feeling. Emotions need to be felt, in order to be released. Get support from a professional like a therapist or a healer if you feel like you are having a hard time working through those emotions.

In addition, take time to reflect on what lessons you learned from this relationship. What worked for you about this particular partner (qualities, behaviors, attributes) and what did not? Did you learn any new insights about what you most need from a romantic partner and what you absolutely cannot tolerate? When you are more healed and ready, those insights will help you move forward on the path to finding the right partner for you.

Do you have any other ways that help you work through a breakup or heartbreak? Share them below.

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